Monthly Archives: January 2014

Update and rambling about attraction

I’ve been feeling a little better lately. Still definitely more depressed then is “normal” for me, still having anxiety attacks most days, but I’m also having more “up-moments”, more laughing and smiling, longer stretches of time where I’m actually fairly happy, etc. Most of the laughter comes from either Food Channel shows (when the heck did I get so addicted to food competition shows?!), or the multiple SwanQueen groups on Facebook. (Now if only I could make my computer stop freezing every 10 seconds when I’m on Facebook…).

Let’s see, the only other news of any kind is that I’ve gotten a little weirded out while looking through my old yearbooks (there was a specific reason for the whole yearbook-search I was doing. That specific reason was not solved. But… it was freaking cool anyways). It’s always so strange to look back at grade-school yearbooks and see how *young* everyone looks omg, but also for the people who I’m Facebook-friends with, just how different *or* the same these people look!! It’s actually really fun. … Except I’ve noticed a weird trend about my love life, or lack thereof. Despite *never having actually dated* a blonde, apparently *every single RL crush I’ve ever had* has been on a blonde. From my very first real crush in 6th grade, to my most recent… All the way. Apparently I’m very attracted to blondes. Which is *really* strange, since no one I’ve ever dated has been blonde, *and* no celebrity I’ve ever crushed on has been blonde (that I can remember). So…. huh? lol


Theme of the moment: Songs that hit home

(This does not include the too-many-to-count breakup songs that I still occasionally cry over. These specific songs just… hit something in me.)

“Sweet Angel of Mine” by Kassie DePaiva
As you lay sleeping on my chest
A million thoughts run through my head
Someday you’ll think that you’re too big to hold
You’ll spill milk on my favorite dress
Fall down and scare me to death
And you’ll refuse to do anything you’re told

And I’ll be so mad that I’m almost in tears
And you’ll smile that smile and they’ll all disappear
Yes sometimes you’ll hide your perfect wings
But through these eyes all I’ll ever see
Is that sweet angel of mine

I won’t be ready for first grade
Or when you go on your first date
And you’ll think that I just don’t understand
And I know that there’ll come a day
When you start to push me away
And I’ll feel like I’m losing my best friend

So when you want to be out on your own
Forgive me if I find it hard to let go
Yeah someday you’ll spread your perfect wings
But no matter where you fly you’ll always be
That sweet angel of mine

And I know I’ll cry on your wedding day
As I watch your father give you away
And I’ll bow my head, pray you find all your dreams
And thank god for every day he’s given me
That sweet angel of mine

“An Angel” by The Kelly Family
I wish I had your pair of wings
Had them last night in my dreams
I was chasing butterflies
Till the sunrise broke my eyes

Tonight the sky has glued my eyes
Cause what they see´s an angel hive
I´ve got to touch that magic sky
And greet the angels in their hive

Sometimes I wish I were an angel
Sometimes I wish I were you
Sometimes I wish I were an angel
Sometimes I wish I were you

“She’s Crazy” by The Kelly Family
I see the skies through her eyes
And the sun shines trough her smile
Sticks and stones could break her bones
But words could never harm her

She is crazy she is crazy
You can´t hurt her
You can`t break her

The roses are crying
The roses are crying

I miss her more than words can express
Her lonely dances like the waterfalls

First post is a difficult one

Don’t know what I’m doing here. Hate starting new blogs/journals/whatever. My main reason for starting this one, at this time, is to have an easy way to tell my friends what happened last night. If you stumble across this and weren’t linked to it, well… Hello, and I’m sorry my first entry is such a downer.

I had a major, major meltdown last night. I’m not exactly able to “rate” them or anything, but mom’s fairly convinced it’s the worst I’ve ever had, and that’s SERIOUSLY saying something. OVER a half hour of continuous, non-stop, hysterical, hair-pulling, screaming, rocking, biting and clinging to my stuffed animal, hysterical crying. *I* was scared as all hell WHILE it was happening because I KNEW I was out of control and I literally COULDN’T *DO* anything to calm down. Mom tried to talk to me, tried to help me, I was so far gone I yanked away when she tried to touch me…

Mom was crying and scared and freaking out because she didn’t know what to do…. It was… It WAS the most horrible meltdown I’ve had, I think. And one of the most telling proofs of that is the fact that eventually mom left the room SO I COULD HARM MYSELF in an attempt to calm down. That simple fact is…. well, scary as hell, when MOM thinks “I have to let her cut because she needs to calm down”. ….. It did, slowly, help me calm down. Which sucks more then I can put into words, that *that* is what finally helped.

Later mom and I talked about it. It was a lot of emotional, scared, feeling helpless talking, with both of us crying a bit during.

The two BIGGEST things that made last night just plain TERRIFYING: How completely out of control I was, crying and freaking out SO bad that I literally couldn’t even put sentences together when mom would try to talk to me, and I *KNEW* how bad it was and that only made the cycle even worse because *I* was scared out of my mind at how out of control I was.
Second, my coping skills. Or lack of. I was SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY out of control that I LITERALLY could not even ATTEMPT any of the hundreds of coping skills I’ve learned over the years. Like, LITERALLY could not find the motor skills necessary to get my headphones and listen to calming music, or pick up a book and see the words, or even push my mind to focus on reciting my calm-down poem in my head. Nothing. I literally *COULDN’T* do anything, especially physical, beyond clutching my bear and gnawing on it’s fur. And spitting out half-understandable words sometimes.

So…. yeah. Today my case manager came over and mom and I talked to her. Emergency appt with doctor tomorrow at 3pm. (Oh, also, since I started taking my Lamictal at night I’ve been having HORRIBLE nightmares. Like, literally waking up from a nightmare every 15-20 minutes. So… sleep is scarce right now.)