First post is a difficult one

Don’t know what I’m doing here. Hate starting new blogs/journals/whatever. My main reason for starting this one, at this time, is to have an easy way to tell my friends what happened last night. If you stumble across this and weren’t linked to it, well… Hello, and I’m sorry my first entry is such a downer.

I had a major, major meltdown last night. I’m not exactly able to “rate” them or anything, but mom’s fairly convinced it’s the worst I’ve ever had, and that’s SERIOUSLY saying something. OVER a half hour of continuous, non-stop, hysterical, hair-pulling, screaming, rocking, biting and clinging to my stuffed animal, hysterical crying. *I* was scared as all hell WHILE it was happening because I KNEW I was out of control and I literally COULDN’T *DO* anything to calm down. Mom tried to talk to me, tried to help me, I was so far gone I yanked away when she tried to touch me…

Mom was crying and scared and freaking out because she didn’t know what to do…. It was… It WAS the most horrible meltdown I’ve had, I think. And one of the most telling proofs of that is the fact that eventually mom left the room SO I COULD HARM MYSELF in an attempt to calm down. That simple fact is…. well, scary as hell, when MOM thinks “I have to let her cut because she needs to calm down”. ….. It did, slowly, help me calm down. Which sucks more then I can put into words, that *that* is what finally helped.

Later mom and I talked about it. It was a lot of emotional, scared, feeling helpless talking, with both of us crying a bit during.

The two BIGGEST things that made last night just plain TERRIFYING: How completely out of control I was, crying and freaking out SO bad that I literally couldn’t even put sentences together when mom would try to talk to me, and I *KNEW* how bad it was and that only made the cycle even worse because *I* was scared out of my mind at how out of control I was.
Second, my coping skills. Or lack of. I was SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY out of control that I LITERALLY could not even ATTEMPT any of the hundreds of coping skills I’ve learned over the years. Like, LITERALLY could not find the motor skills necessary to get my headphones and listen to calming music, or pick up a book and see the words, or even push my mind to focus on reciting my calm-down poem in my head. Nothing. I literally *COULDN’T* do anything, especially physical, beyond clutching my bear and gnawing on it’s fur. And spitting out half-understandable words sometimes.

So…. yeah. Today my case manager came over and mom and I talked to her. Emergency appt with doctor tomorrow at 3pm. (Oh, also, since I started taking my Lamictal at night I’ve been having HORRIBLE nightmares. Like, literally waking up from a nightmare every 15-20 minutes. So… sleep is scarce right now.)


3 thoughts on “First post is a difficult one

  1. Hang in there kiddo. You are making a lot of changes right now and that is scary. It makes sense that you would have some kind of reaction. Don’t get discouraged. Keep moving forward and pressing through the fear. You can do it. I have faith in you.

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