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Not-writing and reading and stuff

Camp NaNo is over for April and I managed to write 67k. That’s more then double what my increased goal was, which makes me feel really good. About 55k of that is Amanda-story sequel. The rest is Remy-story sequel.

I haven’t written much since April ended, though. I’ve written half of a scene in the original Amanda-story, because there are some parts I skipped over and I would like to fill those out. Like the week of taking care of a fake baby for school. Or the Thanksgiving storyline that I just kind of abandoned. Or the three weeks (?) between going down to the canyon and Amanda running away. I really need to fill out those parts.

Been reading a lot. Finished my library books and took them back. I was sorting through my location tags on LibraryThing, making sure everything was where it said it was, and I got nostalgic over my BabySitter’s Club books. So I’m reading some of them again. Finished two in the last four days, and have one more I want to read. These are all books I’ve read multiple times before, and I really should be concentrating more on my To-Be-Read bookcase instead of re-reading stuff, but it’s just so wonderful to re-read sometimes. I’m struggling with the idea of re-reading some of my Torey Hayden books… They are hard to read, emotionally, but so damn *GOOD*.  I’ve read 40 books so far this year and I’m going to keep the momentum as much as possible.

The last week or so I’ve been feeling really lousy, very overly-emotional and cry-y and stuff. I thought it was ToM, but then that went away and the emotions stayed. I worried that it might be a depression settling in, but the last two days have been fairly good. I haven’t had a major depression since I discovered Jenny Lawson back in September, and I fully credit her awesomeness for that. It was a turning point in my life,  becoming a part of her “tribe” and learning about Furiously Happy. I know better then to think that my depression is truly gone, but it’s much more manageable now.

Camp NaNo and not reading

Camp is going great. In fact I’ve raised, and then reached, my goal multiple times. I’m currently at 38,991 words out of 30k, because I refuse to raise my goal yet again. I’m just going to keep going and see how far I get. I’m attempting to keep a 2k average each day, and that’s been going well despite one day where I wrote nothing. This month I had a day where I wrote the most I have *ever* written in one day, a bit over 4k. That felt good.

As far as the novels themselves… Remy-sequel is stalling, because I can’t seem to get my mind into it. I’ve started writing the first therapy scene, and I think it’s going well, but… Meh. Amanda-sequel is flourishing, despite having NO clue what the ending will be or where it is going. I never intended for Amanda and her husband to break up, but there have now been hints of that, which… I’m confused about. Can Amanda and Meg stay together without it coming in between Amanda and her husband? I don’t know.

I have been reading slowly. Read a couple R.L. Stine books from the library, they were so-so, not great. I currently have two more books from the library that I need to read before Saturday, but they are both sort of slow and boring and I keep putting them down. I have read 31 books so far this year, so I *think* I’m kind of on target for my 75-books-in-2017 challenge? I don’t know if I can keep it up though. And that is counting the Furiously Happy audiobook which I just constantly listen to on repeat. Hey, it counts!

Camp NaNo and reading

It’s April 1st, which means it’s the start of Camp NaNoWriMo. I’ve started out with a low goal of 15k for the month, because frankly I have no clue what I’m doing. I’m working on both Amanda’s sequel and Remy’s sequel, and I did a tiny bit of outlining last night, but the outlining is literally like three scenes worth, and I’m not sure where I’m going from there.

I started writing at midnight last night, just to get a few paragraphs down. On Amanda’s sequel. Meg needs to tell her girlfriend that Amanda is back in her life. And tell her the truth about her relationship with Amanda. That’s not going well (for Meg, I mean). I had a lot to do today and didn’t really spend as much time on writing as I should have, and when I looked at my wordcount I thought maybe I had around 800 words? …. Turns out I wrote over 2k today without realizing it. Yay?

I read all eleven Horse Diaries books that I got from the library. They were good, and I’ve put the other three books in the series on my wishlist. I really like that each book in the series deals with pieces of true history, like World War 2, or the Oregon Trail. And they all had such beautiful illustrations that I scanned some of them so I can print them out and make a collage of them at a later date.

Writing and reading

If I remember correctly one of my New Years Resolutions was to read 20 books this year. In the past week I have read five Nancy Drew Clue Crew books from the library. Clue Crew is for younger readers, and takes place when Nancy is eight years old. They are rather simple and in all but one of the books I read the solution to the mystery was beyond obvious, but they are nice little books with good illustrations. At one point in my life (several years ago) I claimed that I wanted to read every single Nancy Drew book in existence. Nowadays I might amend that a little, because I have no interest whatsoever in the newer graphic novels, but I really do love Nancy Drew in (almost) every form.

I have caved in and started writing Amanda-story sequel. *headdesks* I had it in my head for like two weeks before I finally caved. I haven’t written much, maybe 1k or so, only one scene so far. But I’m kind of curious to see how I can possibly push this. In this sequel it is ten years after they graduate high school (so about thirteen years from the end of the last novel), and Amanda is now married with an adopted daughter. Which means things are different, when Meg and Amanda reconnect, but there is still that raw pull between them and they both want to rekindle what they once had (although Meg will vehemently deny that at first). I can see this going several different ways, although I would like for Amanda to stay married. So I’m poking at it and writing a little and just kind of seeing where it goes. If I can get more of an idea for the overall arc of the plot before April I might be doing it for April’s Camp.

Camp. April’s Camp NaNoWriMo. That’s a thing, I do it every year, but I have not decided what to do for it. I need a firmer grasp on Amanda-sequel’s plot, if I were to do that. I also have Remy-sequel, where I need to figure out what Allison is ultimately going to do, and if they can get past Remy cheating. I don’t want to split them up, that was never my plan, but trust has been shattered. OH, and speaking of Remy-sequel, a friend (HI DI!) gave me a really good idea for a twist to the whole cheating plot line, and I might have to write that out too and see where it takes me.

Editing updates and such

My (first) goal was to get through 20 hours of Remy-sequel editing by April 1st. I reached the 20-hour goal two days ago, although maybe I cheated a little because I finished my first round of editing on Remy-sequel so I went back and started my third round of editing on the original Remy-story. I’m only about halfway through Remy-story, so I am going to continue editing… At this point it’s just sentence structure and grammar/spelling stuff. I have a few half-finished scenes in the story that I need to finish, but not right now.

Been poking at Amanda-story but not really doing much with it. I now have a plotbunny of a possible Amanda-story sequel,  which takes place at their 10-year high school reunion. I refuse to start writing that. Just no. Not now. Maybe not ever. ….. Maybe for April Camp NaNo?

Have done nothing with Courtney-story or Alexz-story. Oops? I really should. But I’m just not in the right mindset for those stories right now.

Writing and editing

So far this month I’ve done five hours of editing, but I actually only started a week ago so I think I’m doing pretty good. Going back through Remy-sequel and getting rid of all the NaNo tricks, like not using contractions, is tedious but it’s helped me figure out where I am with the story. …. I still have no idea where it’s *going*, but I know where I am right now. I’ve continued the cheating storyline and written about 500 words on that in the last few days.

I’ve been poking at Amanda’s story, too. There are half-written scenes and a two-week period that I need to fill in. I’ve gotten about 1.5k on that so far this month. Amanda’s story is just for me, since my main reader doesn’t want to read it and I completely understand, but I still want to get it done sometime. I had a lot of fun with it last November and I got a lot more out of it then I thought I would.

Haven’t touched Alexz’s story or Courtney’s story…. Courtney’s story is lower priority but I still do want to do *something* with it. Alexz’s story… I keep putting it off because I’ve written all the outlined scenes and now just have to fill in the stuff in-between and I’m kind of stuck on that.

I’m already looking ahead to Camp NaNo in April, wondering what story I’m going to work on there. If I get a brand-new idea I’m not going to say no to it, but I think overall I want to concentrate on my current stories this year instead of starting new ones. I don’t think I have enough of Remy-sequel left to write to do it for Camp, and what I do have left I’ll probably get done before then anyways.

New Year’s Resolutions

Okay, so, I haven’t posted here in two years. I’m sorry, poor blog! But this is how I am with blogs. I just…. Forget about them. I belong to a wonderful forum where I have my own thread and update everyone on my life almost daily, so I never have much to write about in blogs. But I’m going to try to make this my writing-related blog in the new year.

I have a few New Year’s Resolutions for this coming year, which is something I don’t usually do because they never stick, but… Hopefully this time will be different?

  1. Complete Remy’s story *and* Remy’s story sequel (yet to be appropriately titled). The original Remy’s story I’ve been working on since 2013, and while it’s 99% done, including the ending, there are a few scenes where I just left off halfway through because I couldn’t think what to write. Remy’s story *sequel* is currently a huge mess, because I wrote it for one NaNo and then wrote a completely different portion in another document for another NaNo and have yet to figure out how they fit together.
  2. Complete Alexz’s story. Another untitled one, and one I worked on for most of 2016. It’s ending has been written, but there are about 2 1/2 weeks of the tour that is unwritten. I would love to finish it up.
  3. Work 3 days a week, 4 hours a day. I’m currently at 2 days a week, 3 hours a day, but I often call in. My anxiety has made it very, very difficult for me to work, especially during the middle of this past year. It’s been getting better but it’s something I still need to work on a lot.
  4. Read *at least* 20 books, at least 12 of them should be from my TBR bookcase. Because I keep getting new books instead of reading the 500+ unread ones on my shelves.
  5. FINISH my 2003-on photo album. … I haven’t actually *started* the album, but this past year I worked a lot on going through my computer files and picking out which photos I want to go in it. From 2003 and on. Except I haven’t done 2016 yet.

That’s it. Those are my five major goals for the New Year. Maybe I’ll stick with them this time?

Update and rambling about attraction

I’ve been feeling a little better lately. Still definitely more depressed then is “normal” for me, still having anxiety attacks most days, but I’m also having more “up-moments”, more laughing and smiling, longer stretches of time where I’m actually fairly happy, etc. Most of the laughter comes from either Food Channel shows (when the heck did I get so addicted to food competition shows?!), or the multiple SwanQueen groups on Facebook. (Now if only I could make my computer stop freezing every 10 seconds when I’m on Facebook…).

Let’s see, the only other news of any kind is that I’ve gotten a little weirded out while looking through my old yearbooks (there was a specific reason for the whole yearbook-search I was doing. That specific reason was not solved. But… it was freaking cool anyways). It’s always so strange to look back at grade-school yearbooks and see how *young* everyone looks omg, but also for the people who I’m Facebook-friends with, just how different *or* the same these people look!! It’s actually really fun. … Except I’ve noticed a weird trend about my love life, or lack thereof. Despite *never having actually dated* a blonde, apparently *every single RL crush I’ve ever had* has been on a blonde. From my very first real crush in 6th grade, to my most recent… All the way. Apparently I’m very attracted to blondes. Which is *really* strange, since no one I’ve ever dated has been blonde, *and* no celebrity I’ve ever crushed on has been blonde (that I can remember). So…. huh? lol

Theme of the moment: Songs that hit home

(This does not include the too-many-to-count breakup songs that I still occasionally cry over. These specific songs just… hit something in me.)

“Sweet Angel of Mine” by Kassie DePaiva
As you lay sleeping on my chest
A million thoughts run through my head
Someday you’ll think that you’re too big to hold
You’ll spill milk on my favorite dress
Fall down and scare me to death
And you’ll refuse to do anything you’re told

[Chorus]
And I’ll be so mad that I’m almost in tears
And you’ll smile that smile and they’ll all disappear
Yes sometimes you’ll hide your perfect wings
But through these eyes all I’ll ever see
Is that sweet angel of mine

I won’t be ready for first grade
Or when you go on your first date
And you’ll think that I just don’t understand
And I know that there’ll come a day
When you start to push me away
And I’ll feel like I’m losing my best friend

[Chorus]
So when you want to be out on your own
Forgive me if I find it hard to let go
Yeah someday you’ll spread your perfect wings
But no matter where you fly you’ll always be
That sweet angel of mine

And I know I’ll cry on your wedding day
As I watch your father give you away
And I’ll bow my head, pray you find all your dreams
And thank god for every day he’s given me
That sweet angel of mine

“An Angel” by The Kelly Family
I wish I had your pair of wings
Had them last night in my dreams
I was chasing butterflies
Till the sunrise broke my eyes

Tonight the sky has glued my eyes
Cause what they see´s an angel hive
I´ve got to touch that magic sky
And greet the angels in their hive

Sometimes I wish I were an angel
Sometimes I wish I were you
Sometimes I wish I were an angel
Sometimes I wish I were you

“She’s Crazy” by The Kelly Family
I see the skies through her eyes
And the sun shines trough her smile
Sticks and stones could break her bones
But words could never harm her

She is crazy she is crazy
You can´t hurt her
You can`t break her

The roses are crying
The roses are crying

I miss her more than words can express
Her lonely dances like the waterfalls

First post is a difficult one

Don’t know what I’m doing here. Hate starting new blogs/journals/whatever. My main reason for starting this one, at this time, is to have an easy way to tell my friends what happened last night. If you stumble across this and weren’t linked to it, well… Hello, and I’m sorry my first entry is such a downer.

I had a major, major meltdown last night. I’m not exactly able to “rate” them or anything, but mom’s fairly convinced it’s the worst I’ve ever had, and that’s SERIOUSLY saying something. OVER a half hour of continuous, non-stop, hysterical, hair-pulling, screaming, rocking, biting and clinging to my stuffed animal, hysterical crying. *I* was scared as all hell WHILE it was happening because I KNEW I was out of control and I literally COULDN’T *DO* anything to calm down. Mom tried to talk to me, tried to help me, I was so far gone I yanked away when she tried to touch me…

Mom was crying and scared and freaking out because she didn’t know what to do…. It was… It WAS the most horrible meltdown I’ve had, I think. And one of the most telling proofs of that is the fact that eventually mom left the room SO I COULD HARM MYSELF in an attempt to calm down. That simple fact is…. well, scary as hell, when MOM thinks “I have to let her cut because she needs to calm down”. ….. It did, slowly, help me calm down. Which sucks more then I can put into words, that *that* is what finally helped.

Later mom and I talked about it. It was a lot of emotional, scared, feeling helpless talking, with both of us crying a bit during.

The two BIGGEST things that made last night just plain TERRIFYING: How completely out of control I was, crying and freaking out SO bad that I literally couldn’t even put sentences together when mom would try to talk to me, and I *KNEW* how bad it was and that only made the cycle even worse because *I* was scared out of my mind at how out of control I was.
Second, my coping skills. Or lack of. I was SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY out of control that I LITERALLY could not even ATTEMPT any of the hundreds of coping skills I’ve learned over the years. Like, LITERALLY could not find the motor skills necessary to get my headphones and listen to calming music, or pick up a book and see the words, or even push my mind to focus on reciting my calm-down poem in my head. Nothing. I literally *COULDN’T* do anything, especially physical, beyond clutching my bear and gnawing on it’s fur. And spitting out half-understandable words sometimes.

So…. yeah. Today my case manager came over and mom and I talked to her. Emergency appt with doctor tomorrow at 3pm. (Oh, also, since I started taking my Lamictal at night I’ve been having HORRIBLE nightmares. Like, literally waking up from a nightmare every 15-20 minutes. So… sleep is scarce right now.)