Tag Archives: anxiety

Update and rambling about attraction

I’ve been feeling a little better lately. Still definitely more depressed then is “normal” for me, still having anxiety attacks most days, but I’m also having more “up-moments”, more laughing and smiling, longer stretches of time where I’m actually fairly happy, etc. Most of the laughter comes from either Food Channel shows (when the heck did I get so addicted to food competition shows?!), or the multiple SwanQueen groups on Facebook. (Now if only I could make my computer stop freezing every 10 seconds when I’m on Facebook…).

Let’s see, the only other news of any kind is that I’ve gotten a little weirded out while looking through my old yearbooks (there was a specific reason for the whole yearbook-search I was doing. That specific reason was not solved. But… it was freaking cool anyways). It’s always so strange to look back at grade-school yearbooks and see how *young* everyone looks omg, but also for the people who I’m Facebook-friends with, just how different *or* the same these people look!! It’s actually really fun. … Except I’ve noticed a weird trend about my love life, or lack thereof. Despite *never having actually dated* a blonde, apparently *every single RL crush I’ve ever had* has been on a blonde. From my very first real crush in 6th grade, to my most recent… All the way. Apparently I’m very attracted to blondes. Which is *really* strange, since no one I’ve ever dated has been blonde, *and* no celebrity I’ve ever crushed on has been blonde (that I can remember). So…. huh? lol

First post is a difficult one

Don’t know what I’m doing here. Hate starting new blogs/journals/whatever. My main reason for starting this one, at this time, is to have an easy way to tell my friends what happened last night. If you stumble across this and weren’t linked to it, well… Hello, and I’m sorry my first entry is such a downer.

I had a major, major meltdown last night. I’m not exactly able to “rate” them or anything, but mom’s fairly convinced it’s the worst I’ve ever had, and that’s SERIOUSLY saying something. OVER a half hour of continuous, non-stop, hysterical, hair-pulling, screaming, rocking, biting and clinging to my stuffed animal, hysterical crying. *I* was scared as all hell WHILE it was happening because I KNEW I was out of control and I literally COULDN’T *DO* anything to calm down. Mom tried to talk to me, tried to help me, I was so far gone I yanked away when she tried to touch me…

Mom was crying and scared and freaking out because she didn’t know what to do…. It was… It WAS the most horrible meltdown I’ve had, I think. And one of the most telling proofs of that is the fact that eventually mom left the room SO I COULD HARM MYSELF in an attempt to calm down. That simple fact is…. well, scary as hell, when MOM thinks “I have to let her cut because she needs to calm down”. ….. It did, slowly, help me calm down. Which sucks more then I can put into words, that *that* is what finally helped.

Later mom and I talked about it. It was a lot of emotional, scared, feeling helpless talking, with both of us crying a bit during.

The two BIGGEST things that made last night just plain TERRIFYING: How completely out of control I was, crying and freaking out SO bad that I literally couldn’t even put sentences together when mom would try to talk to me, and I *KNEW* how bad it was and that only made the cycle even worse because *I* was scared out of my mind at how out of control I was.
Second, my coping skills. Or lack of. I was SO COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY out of control that I LITERALLY could not even ATTEMPT any of the hundreds of coping skills I’ve learned over the years. Like, LITERALLY could not find the motor skills necessary to get my headphones and listen to calming music, or pick up a book and see the words, or even push my mind to focus on reciting my calm-down poem in my head. Nothing. I literally *COULDN’T* do anything, especially physical, beyond clutching my bear and gnawing on it’s fur. And spitting out half-understandable words sometimes.

So…. yeah. Today my case manager came over and mom and I talked to her. Emergency appt with doctor tomorrow at 3pm. (Oh, also, since I started taking my Lamictal at night I’ve been having HORRIBLE nightmares. Like, literally waking up from a nightmare every 15-20 minutes. So… sleep is scarce right now.)